Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Now, where’s the sport in that?
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Moms. The original autocorrect.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.