Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

👍

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.