Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Jesus Christ lmao

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am