@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

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@seriouslyemily

This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.

@tsm560

Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.

@TheThomason

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

@Bossyboots333

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

@sophielou

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

@RdrJay47

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

@WilliamRodgers

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

@xLiserx

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

@MichaelTrying

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.