Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

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Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.


When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it


Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.


Why would a needle even be in a haystack? Who sews in a barn?


Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.


Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…


Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly


Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.