Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

You Might Also Like


This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.


Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.


Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…


I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.


(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY


Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.


If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly


Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*


Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.