@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

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@stephenjmolloy

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

@clichedout

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

@RatchetAfrican

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

@BunAndLeggings

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

@_Tempo11

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

@LazyChank

Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

@nefariousPeterD

Damn, you know you’re getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile

@just1fool

Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.