Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Why would a needle even be in a haystack? Who sews in a barn?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.