Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

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Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.


her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen


If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.


Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.


Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”


Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.


wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah


Damn, you know you’re getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile


Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.