Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious