Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

Eggs benadryl my favourite

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how