Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
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[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
