Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Love it! 👍😂
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
“you changed” bro i was 15
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
