Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
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What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Oh, I bet you would be
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”