Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
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Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
