Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

Mood.. 😂

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

Always…

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt