@sarcasticmommy4

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

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@simoncholland

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

@iwearaonesie

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

@ShoutingGoddess

Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.

@IGotsSmarts

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

@PimpleEye

You know what I love about people who buy followers?

I can laugh at their expense.

@MiniiG

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily