I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in.
You know what I love about people who buy followers?
I can laugh at their expense.
*takes your compliment*
*stares nervously at it*
I fall in love too easily.
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped