Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.


*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?


Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.


“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.


You know what I love about people who buy followers?

I can laugh at their expense.


I fall in love too easily.


It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily