Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.