[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
a badder mouse
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
January has been Januweary
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.