Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you