Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
You Might Also Like
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Talk about a bad egg
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.