Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
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My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Pretty much. 🤣
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours