Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
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I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
it must be school picture day
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*