Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

This is a true ally.

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function