[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
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Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
“Why would I pee into the toilet when there’s a perfectly good floor and wall right next to it?”
– My sons, probably
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.