Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

WTF IS AN ACRONYM