Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

my mind

You just read my mind

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn