Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Can Happiness buy money?

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

I basically called this earlier today

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.