Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

Howl 😭

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you