Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

2022 be like

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

😂😂

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

181.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*