[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
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PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Help
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.