Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

True story 🤣

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta