Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

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While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Ok cat haters, explain this…

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?