Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.