Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

me opening up to someone

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”