Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

All right then, keep your secrets

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.