Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

The struggle is real.

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

There’s never enough good news

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that