Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!