[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?