Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
😭😭
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.