Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
definitely did not do anything wrong
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again