Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
You Might Also Like
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[the middle of showering] I need a break