Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
i wish all
whales
a very
big
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.