Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.