Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

this is what they would have looked like, though

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!