Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
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Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Couple goals
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
