Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
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My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Waiter: how did you two meet
Me: this is actually a blind date
W: *much louder* SORRY I SAID HOW DID YOU TWO MEET
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.