Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
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Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I created you as mosquito food.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA