Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I disagree with my politics
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
