Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.