Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Hitlers gonna hitl
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”