Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Hero horse inspires millions
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
checking out some reviews of my local library
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”