Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
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Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?