Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
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The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.