Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
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I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
You have been warned.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.