Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
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My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever