Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

rich people when they have to pay taxes