Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
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No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm