Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ

*dolphin diving off a cliff*

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

felt cute might bury dad later idk

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

reduce, reuse, recycle

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

an airline just for babies.

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”