Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

not for long

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.