Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”