Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
You Might Also Like
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My fantasy football season is going great
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation