Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Sorry. Can鈥檛. I live in a small town. You know what that鈥檚 like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I鈥檓 sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy馃憞
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn鈥檛 it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You鈥檙e doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
my mom has been using 馃挦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it鈥檚 so quiet in here.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I鈥檒l never watch*
I鈥檒l definitely check it out.
Making snow angels but it鈥檚 just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.