Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
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A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
life finds a way
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.