Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
You Might Also Like
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Nomnomnomnom
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”