Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]