Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
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Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Life hack
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Self-cleaning conscience
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
That lamp looks PISSED.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am