Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

Voting for coroner

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

When I laugh on my period

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.