#parenting
You Might Also Like
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Vodka burrito was a success
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR