Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
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My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
who will stop them
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.