Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

Butt weight. There’s more!

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato