#parenting
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Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
when someone rings the doorbell
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Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…![]()
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Never mess with a drunken pig.
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa