#parenting
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At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw