#parenting
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“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.