Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

Fries, not lies.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

Very good news from my accountant

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”