Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
