Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
