Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
