Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.