Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
I hope this email finds you in a well
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
old twitter is back baby
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there